Poetry can send shivers up one's spine. Poetry can scare some away, bore others to tears, or it can inspire one to change the world. I designed this page seven years ago as merely an opportunity to bleed myself in a way that suits me best, through words and phrases that sometimes only I understand, but are understood differently through the eyes of others. Sit back and give this page a try. You might find something relatable. I hope you enjoy my photography. If not, sorry I wasted your time. Then you can return to your routine web travel of porn or GAP.com.

~ Tara ~

P.S. You mind signing my book when you're done?

Now Entering My Poetry Corner... Bring Cappucino

Rock/God

You didn't see me that night the light shined your face. Did all the little children herd together, sing along with you because they knew you? Did you expect to see me standing in the center, arms shivering in cold defeat because I couldn't stay away, teeth clattering a telegraph to say "I want (pause) you" so you can put that extra oomph in the twang of that once sour note, now played with sweet satisfaction that she may have broken your heart but I never will. Your telegraph back, whether it's through the kick drum or that throbbing vein in your head, would have said, "Call me (pause) a Rockstar." And if I would've obliged, now if those same stars were in my eyes I could've fallen for your cheap trick once again. My heart would have merely climbed on your lap sincerely in hopes that you might rock it to sleep. Save your song for the little people, who climb onto your every word and phrase, like you're speaking right to them and no one else is there.

Dear Lover:

I managed to break away from the relentless cycles I find myself whirling around in like a ceiling fan, the one that spins through night, through dawn and in between, the one you can't shut off even after pulling the plug. The one that keeps turning on and on and sends the delightful little shivers under the sheets, my sheets without blankets, hiding what some would call naked, but there's so many more layers left to be lifted. So I waited this time, to see what you would do, like would you run off to some other floozie and beg for something while saying nothing, just staring and touching and seeing what reaction would follow your action, trust in science that it only takes a few words but only depends on how you say it. I sat there and waited to see you run off into the night like a firefly, sending out your signals to the babes and fortresses like myself, while I still sat there, still sitting.

Look, you're still there-I can see your eyes are patient so I give in, I let the tide come in to touch the sand with my toes, my heels, soaking in the salt of the earth because I want it, it's my priviledge to bathe in the seas that you bathe in. I want you to give me a sense of courage, that I'm better than who I was before.

The tide's come in, gone out, came back and I'm slowly watching land drive further away as a sense of sadness plagues me. Where are you, I only wonder this in secret, because while you're right there, floating next to me as the sun and moon collide, my name mixed with bubbles, I still can't see you, and I wonder if this next wave will pave the way to pulling you further away, even as you're holding my hand in secret. Tide's moved in, the tide's out, whirling away in spite of me.

Horny Angelus

I was forced to watch this show until I liked it. This girl my age got to kill demons with wooden stakes. It was all so simple to do in one hour including commercials and I got to watch her battle the one demon she couldn't kill because she loved it.

And I thought how funny that is, that despite her power, her beauty and her rationale, some things just wouldn't let up like her lover and his evil side that even he couldn't control--our impulses, our dreams of becoming real, even in our darkest hour during all things fake.

Funny how you won't watch it with me because it's stupid and totally ficticious, a lucid love affair with love notes capitalized with common names, t-shirts and DVD box sets that you pay the price for when the show is over. You don't even have to rewind, just skip chapters to when she first made her decision to love the one she shouldn't, hurt the way she shouldn't choose the things she couldn't understand but it seemed normal at a time when it just seemed right.

It seems right when he's saying the right lines, has the right eyes for wanting and touching, even if it is scripted. Silly me, I thought it was real and this wasn't California, that one person could stay the same and not kill lovers, haters or everything like the belief that dreams aren't really make-believe.

You'll fix this problem while you flash that smile, once my sunshine on the concrete. And it's only in the dark that you refuse not to hide what's really there, lurking and stalking and waiting for me to fall victim to once again.

Fine, I'll watch it with my mom who suggested it in the first place, hoping it would work as some silent omen that I'll open my eyes and see the dangers I face when the cameras are down and no one's looking, including me.

I'm sure she felt stupid for letting go of the distance, the absent pleasures that feed us, bloodthirsty criminals in the night, every night they're together because you can't get enough of what's not good enough, even if you're blind enough to see it.

The end of the season is coming near and I casually wonder what's going to become of all this, will she just die trying to see fit that she falls into place, stops crying because things aren't the way she wants them to, no longer believes and just shuts down?

Let's face it, you and I both know the outcome and you don't even watch the damn thing to see that even wooden stakes, feeble dreams and slaughterhouses won't kill that demon that lurks inside your head.

Killed by an Angel

It's hard not to buckle at the knees and say the most idiotic things when an angel's staring at you. You could pretend to not give a damn and not even claim you're a fan but what a waste not to tell a jewel how much it shines. God said, "Ok, Tara, life's a bitch but here's something sweet," planted me in a parking lot with his pinky finger, standing beside a monument transposed into a human being. I saw beauty in its tangibility because we were on earth--he was down to earth, and it works like medicine to have someone bring roses to the funeral you've been living. I've asked ole God again and again to let me have that moment again, Can I see your angel one more time? because I've never felt more alive than that. I can never be more grateful for anything. I.

warm pizza by the fridge

southern style

tiny bits of grace that seep through the cracks

can i smile

we never thought it would be this way

when we always knew it would

So it Is.

Lend me your heart and I'll hurt it again

I'll lend you my tears because I won't condescend

all the joys that visited us

like distant telegrams,

and now it hurts more than ever.

Kissing you-

Now a distant holiday that may never draw near

Petrified to think it true.

Do you let her listen to your tunes

brush the hair away from her face

fuck her gently til she knows your name by heart

put my eyes onto her face

Simple duties

taking place without me anymore.

it hurts too much.



A Periodical Suggestion

Give me a sweet fix, like a chocolate covered cigarette and I'll show you the meaning of a craving delight. Fingers and lips and toe touches with tongues- all delicious and vicious if you want it that way. It's all innocent, but only mildly to extent... you can't open my door unless you get my key. But if it's raining outside and you've got nowhere to hide, come in, child, and I'll put you under my wing. When morning comes and the rain is gone, bet you've never seen this side of dawn, I guess you have another song to sing. So go elsewhere and praise the life you live and I doubt you'll remember the warmth I give, who knows, maybe I'll see you on TV. If I hear you on the radio while I'm sitting on the patio I'll smoke a square and recall your times with me. Will I laugh, will I cry, will I remember a goodbye, maybe I'll just sit there and smoke three. But none as good as the chocolate ones, would you like another to sweeten your lungs and all those other inner places my finger traces like a sketch of something pretty? Relax, relax- I'm merely talking out of my ass... it's not like you to take me seriously.

Driving around in the same town I've lived for 4 years now remembering how awkward it felt taking roads that had no face then realizing I'm going in a circle & I never saw a stop sign

ever.

Sometimes night would turn into day cotton wind stretched out on the purple sky it's so amazing I forget I'm handling a steering wheel built for comfort yet I find myself in someone's

yard.

Memories built to last all seem to come into place when I take a shortcut for the first time & feel rewarded when I don't get lost & I try another way to connect with

you.

I remember the time me & my mom ran out of gas & I walked alone in spike-heeled boots stabbing into the earth my existance & regret chewing the inside of my

lip.

That voice on the radio keeps whaling ANGELANGEL & how they couldn't last so I think damn life is sadly beautiful one day I'll know all the shortcuts but they will all soon lose their

glow.

I ignore this sickening thought like me lost in the same town you fucking another girl without a map so I dance with the devil & I try taking another

turn.

The Day it's Okay to Tell You

Keep me informed

when you're starting to sweat

like on the day that we kinda met

when kissing wasn't easy

but it fell into place;

after the show you fell

into my face

and while your eyes closed

I stole little peeks

before (you know) that silence

and neither one of us speaks.

~

Keep me informed

if you feel it was a mistake

or if your heart has gotten

so filled up with joy

that any moment it could soon--

might break

imagine ME being the one person

you'd soon never shake?!

~

Keep me informed

if it's all rather fake,

or if you enjoy the silence,

search for balance

while you're inside me

and what if you find it?

Will you take it, run with it

see that you're good with it?

Push it, fuck it

never be kind to it

do all the things you'd swear

you'd just never do to it

only to prove that only you

can control it--

Do you ever find yourself

staring on a dock

not knowing if it's the sea

or an empty pool,

do you ever yell out loud

that you pity the fool

who dives in, like I do,

on second glance,

only to take a chance

on swimming and treading

past the boundaries of what

humans normally feel--

keep me informed if I start seeming real

because I can't touch the bottom

and the water tastes fair

like the scent of the sweat on your back

or the love in my stare

Sweet September

written Sept.18, 1999

I wish I could take you to the beach, or the airplane field behind my house. I wish you could see the stars again on this sweet September night. Sweet- sweet September, the name of a golden child not born yet. I never really told you this but I always found it as a mystery, an enigma, a charming desire- to be wearing a thin, white t-shirt that smells like you and belongs to you, with your blue plaid boxers on, on a Saturday morning, cartoons on and the sun so bright, laying on the couch, or better yet, a recliner, tucked away in your arms, your hair brushed in your face only slightly, but we're both still kinda sleepy but soon we'll get up and go swimming or something, with no plans but each other for the rest of the day. Sounds so tempting to me, and I swear, you're the only person I know that doesn't look shitty in the morning. In fact, you're quite attractive, even without the cup of coffee to wake you up or the clean shave across your face.

"Head"... written sometime in November of 1997

So now you've gone away and found someone else...

Someone to flirt with

Yet someone to lie to

Someone to fall on her knees and beg for your love

To make your head even bigger

~~~~

So now you're used to her petty smile

And her eyes no longer give you the rush

And you're laying in your bed in the coldest dark

Thinking about what might have been

Then I just might appear in your head

~~~~

So now you're wishing you didn't screw up

The things that might've been

You're imagining I'm laying right beside you

In the coldest dark, and fully unclothed

I'm laying naked in your head

~~~~

So now you see her as just a fling

To toy around your fingers

She means nothing, like everyone else-

But did I account for something?

Am I just slightly ahead of the rest?

~~~~

So now I'm wondering- Was it worth it all?

My dignity, respect, and your purity (or so you say)?

Do I hide my face in shame in case you might see me

Or do I look at you and wink

At your pretty little head?

~~~~

So now I see you once again,

Heading my way with that devil's grin

Whispering such things that might make me giggle

And expecting me to grin really wide

And nod my head a yes?

~~~~

So now, maybe for the first time

I actually grow a backbone

And turn you down completely

So you can take your frustration home with you,

Under the covers, to hide your head?

I don't like to be underestimated. You underestimate me. I love to fall into mystery. Yeah, you've got me. I hate to feel left out of the situation you initially brought me in. I love to hear your silky words wrapped around my skin. I don't like the agony of not knowing if I'm right. I want the chance for us to just get it all out and fight. I don't like the silence because it hurts my ears. I want to have you still care for me for many, many years. I don't like it when you don't realize the potentials I grip. I don't like these eggshells I'm walking on, and any minute I'll slip. I love it when I show you up in something really good. I try my hardest to let things be normal as best as I once could. I fear the day you'll look at me and say, "I want nothing from you." I'd love to live the day when you say "I love you." I don't like it when you think you know everything about me. I don't like it when you leave it all for your eyes to see. I love when you remember things so casual about me. I hate it when you fail to recognize who I strive to be. I love your hair and your eyes and your shoulders and your skin. I love when you kiss me on my lips and neck and chin. I wish I could be the strongest girl I know. I wish I could just sit back and say "Just let it flow." I can't grasp the concept of you and letting go, because in my mind and in my heart they tell me not to do so. I love to look within your eyes then you reach out to touch me. I love when neither of us think so sensibly. I hate it when you turn away but you always know I'm there. I know you know it's obvious that it's for you I care. I wish I could just sit back and chill and not get so hectic inside. But how can I keep so in control when with you it's a tumultous ride? I'd love to say a few things to you, both good and both bad. But anything- anything- to keep me from feeling sad.



Jack&theBeanStalkI want to live my dreams like sacred beans upon the cracking floor- 'cause if I was within your chains I'm yearning for the door

---


You are the person to stumble across my madness. Thanks!


---



---

Be   Patient...   It's   Almost   Over!!

SimplyPutKindaCrazyThingWe stared at the sky, we watched the stars. The air was chilly and so were my arms, and as we stared together, I don't think I ever felt as alone as I did that night. He was right, he was not ready to be steady, whatever the hell that means. And my mind is yelling at me to say the things I want to see and yearning for the things I want to feel but I've put up the steel plated mask like I'm Hannibal Lecter and he's the director, so I want to eat him. Deliciously, in a wholesome way, why must he look so damn attractive when he's not here to stay... Keep staring at those speckled stars and wish for things that wander far like his heart, his head, his sparkling libedo... for almost everything but not for me, though. And I've tried to fit that little image of who he wants and trusts and all that shit then I wonder, "Am I desperate?" Because meanwhile I've found other suitors, some are nicer some are cuter and they know the meaning of respect... it makes me wonder why it's them I neglect when all I want is to dissect his heart on the table like a foolish fable of a girl trying to figure out what's missing while he's dissing every inch of me.

Hey God, it's me again, you're not used to seeing me at your doorstep. I'm not trying to sell you anything, like candybars or library books or fame, or trying to be like Mike or Ike or spike-heeled boots that stab your soul. I'm not trying to avenge you for my misjustice, just some clarification as to why I'm seeing these things like illustrations in a children's book. I don't want to be your punchline, your hidden hymn about dirty, blind faith because God if you gave me eyes, I want to use them. Let's say you're the author, I'm the reader--strike that, I'm the proofreader and I'm thinking that all of this is necessary but for what cause? What effect? And why the hell am I chosen for this job? So I should stay clear of the nonsense, cut the fat and spit it out, rest easy because you're growing in my heart? God there's plenty of answers I'm going to need before I can package up this book and sell it.

Caution: It's All Part of Your 20's

Walking around with my eyes closed I see deep red dripping from failure 100 cigarettes & a migraine later

Things still haven't changed.

I once had a fish a black moor when it died it was gold

I only had it a week.

They say dust is primarily made of human skin.

I'm the dustdevil waiting to swept up by opportunity

Coughing, expensive drugs & sheer discomfort

I mark the territory.

I cry I say I'm sorry

It's the same old story.

Let me grasp a pair of white gloves like my childhood

Never looking back cause I don't have to.

(Folks like me are easily cured with a Hoover, ones that can suck harder than this poem in a shit-stained frame. But I've got an excuse this time. My fish died, I'm color-blind & I make a mess of things.)

Yet somehow like a twisted joke I still see the red dripping from hope memories of black converted to gold

and the bad air you don't want to breathe.

written February 2003, a cry toward winter blues



I dream of you in color

When it should be black and white

When I look at you I see the stars

In a lovely, summer night

I shouldn't jump beyond my dreams

To meet you face to face

Yet I could jump beyond the moon

To follow in your place

I should embrace my solitude

And stand up on my own

But I would rather see you smile

Then smile while I'm alone

Your grin is worth a thousand dreams

That I may dream tonight

And every dream's always in color

Instead of black and white

You don't love me but I don't care

I knew this long ago

But I must sleep and dream of you

With that, I think I'll go.

-"Dream" by Tara, written on June 27, 1997.

2 Days and counting

48 hours came and went. I never even had my chance to cry or vent. I was tired, exhausted, ready to collapse, ready to take myself off the reality map and lay down, frown at my lack of control for silly substances like pheremones or hormones and conversating cell phones when I should've stayed home, or shouldn't have stayed awake.

And he's such a fake, I blast myself for finding things out for me too late while it was so apparent, "He's a loser" "Relationship abuser" just don't listen to that fucking boozer. So I went home and so I went to sleep. It felt great, it felt wonderful, I did know now that he was an asshole, sleep felt great to erase that piece of space in my brain where he lurked at. Now it's over, I can recover, I can forget about that stupid lover, and go on with my life like he never pulled me aside and complimented me. There, in that quick instant, it almost seems so innocent that I don't know him and he doesn't know me. I feel better this way, I don't have to listen to him say that he wants me to stay because I know he doesn't. And this is fine with me.

Painful Ash (written on April 4, 1998)

How am I supposed

To feel what I should feel?

Is it possible for me to break away from you

When I feel my heart climbing onto your lap

So you can rock it to sleep

But I don't want to fade away

If I fall in love with you

Because I want to keep my sanity

Instead of the humiliation of knowing you'll get the best of me

And it's so damned complicated

trying to read your head

Because falling in love with you will probably burn me

Into a painful ash

~You loved to highlight my naiveness with that flashlight locked in your hand oh how I loved watching you from behind the curtains highlighting yourself like a growing star among the lights while I gazed at you in the shadows oh I thought I loved you as my childish innocence was wrapped around me like a baby blanket...~

~I loved you and I hated you how you kept bringing me into your life at the worst possible times stealing away my dignity and personal praise oh please don't try to mix me- you thought you always had me and I laugh at how you're wrong~

~My playful crush we'd put our asses on the line and almost got busted just to have some fun whenever you'd sit on my bed and chat with me I felt as though I'd known you forever and now that you're living your life doing what you please just know I was once always there for you you pushed me away when push came to shove and I kick myself in the ass for being so stupid Just know that one day when the dust is done settled that things can change like our attitudes you were my friend, if anything...~

~What can I say? It always boils down to that when your eyes are fixated on mine and I feel my words get stuck in my throat and I say nothing. One day I would absolutely love to just sit at some table across from you with a mochappicino resting against my hand so you can tell me anything that comes to mind and I can watch you smile because you were the fondness of my heart for sometime and I used to want to watch your heart grow which is what we both need to do is grow up first then maybe you'll see what's deep beneath me before I yearn to travel inside that head of yours again.~

~For once in my life I play the bitch. It doesn't feel nice one bit but something uncontrolled. My heart will always have a place for you to rest your head, to cry, to usher in from the cold outside while the inside is decorated with my pictures of apologies for being the way that I am and hopefully you will not vanish out of my life forever.~

~I want to forget I met you, yet I still want to see you in the corner of my eye and maybe you'll be watching me. I know it's a hopeless defeat for me to think that maybe you still think of me in the corner of your mind. I wasn't clearheaded, I wasn't a teenager but I took my shot with a risky wager... and I see you rising to your occasion and you'll be gone on a long vacation to see the world and maybe you'll get the hell out of my head.

~How do you find the right words to say We Cannot Be Together? Like a feather you drifted into my life and tickled my senses, made me laugh until I cried. What happened to that brush of a bunny stroke against my skin, the way you loved to touch my skin, everything, it was beauty and now it is dead. It hurts my heart, my mind, everything to know We Cannot Be Together. I just want you to be okay.

How about a love poem to myself, someone shaking the ground with her own feet, it's scary and it's real but it's going to be okay.



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